Your bracket’s busted (along with all the Duke fans), so we created a brand new tournament to keep the madness going. This competition, much like the NCAA, is as much about genetics and swagger as it is about skill: Welcome to March Beardness 2017. See the full bracket below for this year’s contenders, and check back regularly for updates!

Let’s review the competition:

Full Goatee: Classic. Respected by men. Hated my women. This is a good steady performer, year in year out. Not to flashy, but still enough to weed out the weaklings that cannot grow one.

Old-Timey: Like UCLA, the old-timey mustache is something your dad always claimed was great, but you never saw it. Not until 2015 at least, since the resurgence (of both) began.

The Wolverine: Snikt! Hugh Jackman actually begins every film as a 230 pound fatty. But once grows out some out of control “wolverine” hair, its game on, he becomes a ripped unstoppable killing force. Follow his lead.

The Abe Lincoln: Mustache…screw that. Honest Abe’s style brought together the north and south of his head. The two combined to create a style that has set the course of American history.

The Genghis Khan: This perky chin hair led to the largest land empire in the history of our world. Also led to a fairly minor role in the Night at the Museum movie franchise. Posed to invade this tournament with its brutal offense.

Robin Hood: Famous for its namesake and also for guys who want to mix the words “dangerous” with “office job.” Easy to maintain if you can only groom yourself from the safety of Sherwood Forest, this style was somehow never sported by Bernie Sanders.

Upside Down Trident: This is the style for the man who knows what he is doing. If Aqauman can wield a trident and lead Atlantis, you sure as hell can rock it and lead a fairly respectable life.

The Santa Clause: Going with this style when you aren’t ringing a bell on a street corner is a manly move. December…Scmedember, who cares about seasons of the year, you can rock this all year long. Just be ready for children always trying to sit on your knee.


Porn Stache: The 80’s are coming back strong right now, so go find your Walkman, and fall back on this classic style. Sure it looks sketchy and you won’t be allowed near children, but that’s a fair price pay for excellence.

Trucker Stache: Hulk Hogan, Ben Stiller, James Hetfield, that dead guy in Walking Dead (spoiler), what manly man has not rocked this iconic facial hair.

Rebel Alliance Goatee: Great battles are won with great goatees. From the barren landscapes of Tatooine to the freezing tundra of Hoth, this style has consistently screamed resistance. Resist a clean chin, join the alliance.

Serial Killer: Not saying you couldn’t commit murder with any of these styles, but if you want to do it right, this is your look. Part trucker stache, part Wolverine, part terrifying. If you send messages with cutout letters from magazines, start growing this now.

Baby Face: This is the look that reminds every man of his humble beginnings in the realm of facial hair. It’s clean, it’s raw, and unafraid of being vulnerable. It also suggests that you just don’t have the cojo- I mean follicles – to compete; only time will tell whether Baby Face is a worthy contender. 

Politically Incorrect: This is worn by the guy who beat up the guy that invented the phrase “too soon.” Simple and brash, this style pretends that it doesn’t know why everyone is rolling their eyes, and it might be the only facial hair that is somehow worse than no facial hair.

Hipster: This style shuns the mainstream and charts its own course, not at all pretentious or effete to the one willing to live with it.   Must go vegan to grow this.

Lumberjack: The cost-efficient free-wheeling approach of the lumberjack screams one thing: efficiency. Also, timber. So it screams two things, sorry about the confusion.

So there you have it: the sixteen contenders for this year’s March Beardness. Click the image below for a full-sized version of the bracket; feel free to print and share, and post your picks on Facebook, tag your posts #MarchBeardness. Round 1 results will be announced next week – may the best facial hair win!


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