The leaves are changing, the AC bill is in steady decline, and Midwestern America will soon be dotted with Bier Gardens. Yes, Oktoberfest is here. The college students that normally come out in force for any given drinking holiday will (thanks to crushing midterms) generally sit this one out, leaving the rest of us in peace to enjoy a glass boot of German beer and grilled bratwurst as we bask in the last bit of nice weather before winter collectively shits on everything.

Somehow, Oktoberfest is one of the few drinking holidays left in America that is largely untouched by trashiness. You’ve got public nudity and pickpocketing around Mardi Gras, the unmistakable aroma of tequila-vomit in every college bar around Cinco De Mayo, and the cherished St. Patricks Day, generally known by Police Officers everywhere as being a violent, drunken disaster.  Despite America’s proud tradition of commercializing and alcohol-izing foreign cultural celebrations, Oktoberfest has managed to maintain an air of happy, peaceful revelry that is generally devoid of fistfights and DUIs.

YOU FAKKIN WOT LAD?!?

Before you get too excited not to be surrounded at the bar by hammered 20-somethings all shouldering to order Guinesses and shots of Jameson, remember that the lack of bro-fessional partiers at Oktoberfest celebrations will place a great responsibility on your shoulders: Reinforcing stereotypes through cultural appropriation.

see: white girls at music festivals

That’s right – since the most obnoxious and belligerent revelers that will now be absent are ALSO the most likely to don whatever archetypal costume is related to the holiday (a sombrero for Cinco de Mayo or green anything for St Paddy’s are the familiar examples), there will be no one but you to create the bastardized aesthetic that makes these various holidays what they really are: outdoor drinking parties thinly veiled as celebrations of cultural heritage.

You’re going to have to get over your half-assed objection to reducing an entire culture to an outfit and a beverage, and strap on a  pair of leather shorts while you get tanked and attempt to polka. Because if you don’t, we lose that thinly veiled part of the celebration, and now you’re just a shmuck getting tanked in public. If you’re wearing Lederhosen, you at least look like you might be celebrating Bavarian heritage, or something. And looking the part is all that really counts, because you’re American.

Cheers!

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