Candles have a funny reputation as “things for women.” It’s funny because we all have noses and we all burn when we touch fire. It’s less funny when you choose to test the latter by touching a lit flame. Except for your friends. Do it for them. Then come back to this article, because we have a lot to discuss. It’s time for you to buy some candles, bro.

First, a quick primer on candles. Maybe you have never seen a candle. That’s weird, but basically it’s a little tube of wax and you stick a piece of yarn in there and light it on fire. Then it burns for a long time and allows you to write the Declaration of Independence or whatever you are working on. It also is a huge help in identifying which of your friends are pyromaniacs.

So aside from the obvious benefit of being allowed to light open fires in your home with little threat of death, candles have a number of great benefits. Consider:

 

  1. Candles are great for making your bachelorhood more… eligible? I’m not sure. Anyway, girls love candles. According to statistics, 90% of candle buyers are women, so having a candle will give you something to talk about for like 40 seconds. That could be all you need to verify that yes, this is in fact “excruciating awkward silence” and not just “taxing awkward silence.”.

  2. Candles class up the joint. Nothing says “I live here and am a responsible and moderately wealthy adult,” quite like a jar candle sitting in the center of your coffee table. Just make sure it isn’t lit when you come back from a long date night, or the message changes to “I am engaging in insurance fraud.”

  3. Candles can make your pad smell great. Many candles are scented with all kinds of different smells and flavors, but don’t eat them. Also, don’t confuse “charming scent” with “odor obliteration.” Candles don’t get rid of the mold smell from that two week old pizza sitting on your counter, because the mold is still there. Throw that thing out, player.

On the topic of scented candles, here are a few things to remember:

First lesson – don’t let Big Candle insult your intelligence or taste. You’re going to see things that are named Man-dles or something else dumb and pandering. They will have scents like tobacco, fresh-mowed lawn, or motor oil meat cleaver. They might smell good. A lot of them don’t. Don’t get sucked in by the marketing that says, “This is for you, with your hairy chest and proclivity for bear wrestling.” You can buy anything you want. Even if it smells like lilac.

Second Lesson, relevance to real life. One of the best ways to pick a candle is to match the season. Is it spring? Buy flowers. Is it Fall? Get apples and cinnamon. Is it Christmas? Get baked cookies. It’s all the fun with less calories until you end up making the cookies because it smells so good. Seasons are a great time for nostalgia and smell is one of the gateways to that emotion. It’s also why you should not give in and buy that “Underarm of the School Bully” scented candle for early September – keep those feelings bottled up deeply, forever.

What all this amounts to is a simple truth: you need to buy candles because they are a cheap investment with a big return. Great smelling, pleasant looking, and fire-having, candles feature three of the most desirable traits in a mate. Your neighbors will appreciate that you chose a simple candle to help fulfill those traits, rather than trying to score all three by crashing their annual bonfire wearing only bear musk and a fur coat.

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