Assuming you have left your house in the last ten days, you’ve heard about the phenomenon that is Pokemon Go. As with any new viral technology, the Pokemon Go app (which lets players catch Pokemon out in the real-AR world and is therefore the dream of every eight-year old in 1997) poses new challenges for both users and non-users.
Foremost of these challenges: How to break the news to your loved ones that you’re even playing. Because the game requires you to walk great distances while staring at a 4-inch screen and monopolizing hours of your day for incremental in-game achievements, your attention span is now your most valuable resource – your friends and family will soon realize that you simply don’t have the mental capacity to interact with them anymore. Before they find out the hard way, here are three ways to ease their transition into loneliness:
METHOD 1: THE SEXY TEASE
One of the many benefits of Pokemon GO is being able to find a charmander in the woods without having to worry about the actual logistics of finding, much less capturing, a flaming salamander. Another more obvious benefit is an alarming amount of exercise. When breaking this horrible news to your significant other, leading off with this one is a no-brainer.
Just tell them that you are spending so much time hiking past hordes of shitty ratatas in search of that one Haunter that seriously, it’s RIGHT THERE– sorry — that you’re actually getting pretty fit. All this Poketraining will pay off in a way it never did for that 12-year old brat, Ash. You’re going to look great in the bedroom. Or, depending which fan theory you subscribe to, you’ll look great lying comatose in a hospital bed after that lightning strike in the pilot episode.
The fact that you might never actually return to the bedroom is unimportant.
METHOD 2: BILL CLINTON
A.K.A. Deny, Deny, Deny. As any Millenial will tell you, nothing was worse than having to shamefully keep your Pokemon Gold habit a secret from your friends as you entered into Junior High. It was a game for kids, and admitting to playing it regularly was akin to sleeping with a teddy bear or watching Sesame Street. It definitely didn’t toughen you up like 7th grade concussion parades, er, football practice did. The point is, in America, literally any other vice will make you feel less shame than harboring a video game addiction, so if people around you get suspicious, just throw them off the trail with a clever misdirection towards something far worse:
“No honey, I’m not going to play Pokemon Go. I’m just nurturing my heroin habit.”
“Nothing to see here, just committing grand theft auto on a systemic scale.”
“What’s that? No, this has nothing to do with playing Pokemon Go and everything to do with watching more reruns of the George Lopez Show!”
Not even once.
METHOD 3: ASSIMILATION
Download the app to your partner’s phone while they are asleep. Travel like a ghastly under the cover of darkness, or like your average poketrainer who entered “Dark Cave” but forgot to teach anyone flash, and now you’re really wishing you had not sold all those dang escape ropes. The rest will fall into place like dominoes: Your partner will open the app. They will find themselves playing the game. They WILL get addicted. And within three hours, they WILL catch a Snorlax and you will be pissed at them and your relationship will fall apart. Welcome to the new world of Pokemon Go.