Election season is right about the corner, and with it will come a barrage of information that you probably should know but definitely don’t because who really pays attention to politics in non-presidential election years. I mean really, the only people who have time for following primaries–or even worse, local politics– are the kind of people who, well, care about the future of the country, I guess. For the rest of us, we have people who can do the dirty work on our behalf, so with no further ado, I present you 11 high-quality presidential candidates that you could vote for this November (if you are a US citizen):

Dwayne Johnson

According to this article by WaPo, The Rock could win the presidency if he ran today. Not only that, but even in his early days, he was a man of the people.


Bacon is a perennial populist favorite, and there is no reason to believe that this trend will slow down in 2016.

Gary Johnson

Just to clarify, we aren’t talking about the Libertarian Candidate here. We’re talking about the former Los Angeles Angel of Anaheim of Baseball. He only played five games, but managed to rack up a .944 OPS and he is neither Trump nor Clinton, which makes him AT LEAST as appealing as the Libertarian frontrunner.

Bernie Sanders

It’s not too late, no matter what the Democratic Convention says. Feel the Bern!

David Cameron

He’s out of work and one of the few people who actually has ‘Ran a country’ on his resume. Sure he wasn’t born in the US, but neither was Thomas Jefferson.

This Foul-Ball Catching Superstar

This guy is responsible and calm under pressure. You can’t overvalue those qualities when seeking an individual fit to be in charge of taxation or nukes or whatever it is the prez actually does. Also he likes baseball, which slots in between “Freedom” and “Oppression of Central America” as our #2 national past-time overall.

Zach de la Rocha

Even though you can’t rage against the machine when you ARE the machine. Bonus points for having a last name that will strike fear into the very hearts of Donald Trump supporters.

The Onion's Editorial Staff

Now I have no idea if these people actually have any idea how to negotiate deals or even wake up before 11 o’clock in the morning, but they can do one thing well: recognize glaring problems in the country. That puts them up one on Trump and I’m sure they also will have A+ campaign videos.

Brock Brobama

Let’s be honest, 2008 – 2016, not all that bad. Plus, since we never saw his birth certificate the first time around, Barack’s secret twin brother Brock could totally be a different person. Your move, Supreme Court.

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