A wise man once said, “if you have to fight, you’ve already lost,” but this was the guy who taught a kid how to fight in a way that looked like he was walking through a series of spider webs. A wiser man probably once said, “never employ a rope-a-dope strategy against a knife-wielding assailant.” As you can see, there is a lot of advice about fighting floating around out there; how are you supposed to know which to take? I’ll tell you. That’s how. Close your eyes and think of a place that you might get into a fight. If you are English, you’re probably envisioning a soccer match or protesting the Eurozone. If you’re Irish, just open your eyes, because there’s a good chance that you’re currently punching or being punched by someone. But if you’re like me, you either thought of someone trying to mug you on the streets or pictured a bar fight.
Or, if you live in the 90s, a Black Friday clash outside a Radio Shack.

Related Posts

Related Posts

A mugger is not looking for a fight. A mugger is desperate for anything of value. Desperate people do stupid things. If you’re not willing to lose your life for it, hand it over. Then go home and hug your family.

Consider it a charitable donation.

There are a number of scenarios that could lead to a fight in an establishment of the alcohol-serving kind. They’re all dumb. For example, you bump into someone at a bar and he spills his drink. His face turns purple and he lets out an angry, “U WOT M8!” What should you do? Puff out your chest and respond with a defiant, “You wanna go bro?!” No. Just offer to by the dude a round. If a fight can be avoided simply by dropping five dollars to buy someone a drink, something you should be willing to do for a bro anyways, it’s not worth fighting over. Nobody is going to call your manliness into question for buying a stranger a drink. You’re not admitting you were wrong, you’re pointing out that it is stupid to be punching each other in the mouth when you could just as easily be filling those mouths with delicious, laugh-giving alcohol. You just turned an enemy into a friend, and an enemy of a friend is an enemy. So you just made him his own enemy. Let him knock himself out on his own time.
One way or another…
Say the dude doesn’t calm down; he’s had one too many and he’s just rarin’ for a fight. Best have a backup plan up your sleeve. More accurately, two backup plans.
Pardon the selfie.
Feet are for made for walking, and that’s what, and only what, they should do. A man does not need to kick his opponent, sweep his legs out from under him, or engage in any other sort of cheap trick. Fights are fought with fists. You stand face to face with another man, put your fists up, and punch until one or both of you cannot stand. Then the loser buys the winner a beer. This can be seen in other species in the wild. It is the natural way of things.
Nature is beautiful, isn’t it?

This is a fight between men. Those who confront you will rarely be men, because men are respectful and are not emotional extremists. When faced with a challenger who is willing to engage in a physical bout of fisticuffs, use words small enough for him to understand to let them know that you’d rather not waste your time with him. Turn away, but be prepared for a cheap shot to the back. Do not let it surprise you when the bar stool cracks over your head; rather, stop, swill your whiskey, take a last sip, and turn to him. If your steely resolve does not cause him to second guess himself and run, put your glass down and roll up your sleeves. At this point, if he is still foolish enough to engage you, one of these scenarios will ensue:

 

He will clumsily rush you. A swift knock to the jaw should stop him in his tracks, and another will floor him. Be considerate of the bar staff and offer to build them a new wooden bar stool to replace the one that was splintered over your head. Maybe cherry oak this time.

He will pull a knife on you. The rules of engagement change when a weapon is brought into play. This is no longer a fight, this is a duel. Pick up a piece of the bar stool he broke over your head; I suggest a leg. Remember, you do not want to kill him. Death means paperwork, and paperwork is a waste of time, just like paper is a waste of wood that could’ve been dug out into a canoe. Your first priority is disarmament. Once he drops the knife and is clutching a broken wrist, throw an uppercut and be done with it.

He will call his cronies over. Tie a bandana around your eyes and remember what your deceased mentor taught you. Hear your opponents, smell them, taste them. When you remove your blindfold, they will be strewn at your feet.

Want More?

We'll deliver fresh wisdom every week, plus bonus content exclusive to e-mail subscribers!

Thanks, we're sending a message to confirm your email.