We’ve all seen them. Selfie-stickin’ sons of guns who take over wherever they are (and a really sizable section of airspace, really) to get that perfect shot. From four feet away. Up a little higher. To the left. No, my left. Oh…you’re right. Your left. My bad. Can you zoom–
I digress.   These selfie stickers are taking the world by storm, and by Canon, it’s about time we do something about it. They’re dangerous, for goodness sake. A retractable aluminum stick with an ergonomic handle, 360 degree maneuverability AND a camera on the end? Oh the horrors. The poorly…photographed…HORRORS! The first thing I will say is that anything that is disgustingly overused more likely than not has a wonderfully minute amount of practicality that comes into play in about .08% percent of its daily uses per capita, accounting for inflation. Selfie sticks are one such thing. To a lone hiker, a selfie stick plays an important part in capturing the priceless moments of their hike, given that they are obviously without any companionship. To these good individuals, I say, “Stick on, friend. Stick on.”

As for the rest of us, I think we can all agree it’s time for these things to go, along with the people using them incessantly. And with the increasingly popular advent of personal drones, I think we just might see a little switcharoo in the future (can you imagine?). Until that day, however, I have no choice but to offer a guide in accordance with the B.E.A.R.D. principle on eliminating these monstrosities, and the sticks themselves. Each point is broken into two parts, one for the poor souls already in the snare, and the second is for those of us here to help. Without further ado…

Buy something else. Selfie Stickers: it’s like, $5? $10? I legitimately have no idea. Unless they’re free, buy something else. Even if they’re free, go spend money. If we all work together, we can eliminate enough selfie sticks to circle the globe twice if we just buy something else. Don’t you care about the environment?

Engage your fellow man. Selfie Stickers: Did you know that 1 in 476352 people have a lifetime goal of having someone ask them to take a picture for them? Imagine how many people in the world you can help reach their lifetime dream if you just ask them to take the picture for you. Most people will, it’s not that hard. Point, shoot. Oh. That’s for later in the…nevermind, it works here too. Ahem. Icing on the cake, you might get a neat story from someone. Or you might meet a pervert, it’s really all in the wrist rolling these dice. Non-selfie Stickers: If you see someone struggling to hold up that 18 ounces of mighty camera goodness, take it upon yourself to correct the error of their ways and offer your assistance.

Actually look around. Selfie Stickers: Technology is AWESOME. There is no denying this. There’s a whole lot in the world that’s pretty awesome, too, sans cell phone. Instead of worrying about getting that exact angle so everyone on your Instabookspacesquare can see the Grand Canyon behind you. Before you know it, you’re back in the car, and oops, you forgot to look at it yourself. Go you, selfie stick person. Go. You.   Non-selfie Stickers: It is our duty as Americans–nay, as Earth…beings–to ensure that all others have the opportunity to gorge themselves on the true and honest beauty that is this planet. Throw a rock at your nearest selfie-sticker, then present them with mind-blowing (get it?) facts about the granite you incapacitated them with. The beauty is in the details.

Realize that selfie sticks mean pictures, means uploading, means internet, means time you could be spending out actually always doing the very thing you’re trying to convince other people you’re always doing.   Selfie Stickers: I’ve said enough.   Non-selfie Stickers: Should you browse the interwebs on occasion, be sure to be selective in what you “like” or “upvote” or whatever it happens to be called on that particular portal. If you see someone posting the same thing all the time, perhaps invite them on one of your own adventures to diversify their portfolio. Sharing is caring, but sharing too much means someone needs a change. Be a friend. P.S.-Don’t allow selfie sticks.   and, finally…….

Don’t really judge someone because of what they do for their memories.   Selfie-stickers: You do you. Seriously though, if you wave that thing in my face one more time, so help me, I’ll snap it in half. That said, please try to be courteous with it. It is a metal stick, and it does damage. Capture your memories, be with your friends, but realize that not every picture is the best from exactly 44 inches away. Some are best taken naturally, as someone sees the moment. Make your moments, and the pictures will follow. You can be Gentlemen too.   Non-selfie Stickers: Good golly, they’re annoying, aren’t they? But they want memories like those you have, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Their methods may be ridiculous, but selfie stickers have hearts too, and they’re worth saving. So if you can, offer to take the picture for them. Just don’t ever take one away from anyone. You can be Gentlemen too.

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